Monday, November 17, 2008

First Witness?

I know I've left you and myself high and dry for a week. During my sabbatical, I've thought often about what to write for this entry. Should I tell the story of How Salmmy Got His Name? Should I comment on Salmmy's re-election? Should I just post pictures of mustangs and mooses? Then I got serious and figured I should get back to the trial. But that also offers up questions. Do I go go with witnesses? Do I just stick with the evidence? Do I read the articles and figure out what was really happening during those long breaks we jurors got to take?

Well, lets see what I remember...

So, after listening to the opening statements, we finally get our first witness! If I remember correctly, it is John Hess. He was the engineer who drew up the plans for the addition.

I really wish the lawyers had followed a more logical approach to their witnesses. Give us the big picture with Persons, then back up his testimony with the workers who did the work, and such, then bring in The Allen to tell us who was paid and by whom, with all the evidence to support such claims. Instead it was all all kind of muddled. Skipping from house to generator to house to gifts. It did seem like we were building up to the big picture, but some of the beginning witnesses didn't really prove their need until Persons or The Allen testified, which made it very important to be able to take notes. As it was the case seemed more like a story layout than an argument layout. Which is ok, I guess. Thank God we were allowed to take notes is all I'm saying.

So, anyways. John Hess. So the excitement around John Hess is that he apparently met with Salmmy and The Allen in a private dining room at the Double Muskee Inn (which Persons owned), to discuss what Salmmy wanted done to his little A-Frame. The way Rosie mentioned it in the opening statement, it sounded like something out of the Godfather. I pictured dim lights, pasta, napkins tucked into their collars, security at the doorway, Salmmy and The Allen waiting in the far corner to the right of the fireplace. John Hess a little nervous and tugging at his collar as he walks in. Sad accordion music... (I was sad to find out later that the Double Muskie Inn served Creole, talk about a mood breaker). It seemed weird to me that they didn't meet at the house, but then people do have to eat, and I think it came out later that Salmmy doesn't like to cook. (just like he doesn't like pay'n his bills!--OOO SNAP!!!).

This is how the meeting went:
Salmmy: Mmmm. I'm thinking we need more space for my Grand kids and parties, and for me to tinker. I want to raise my house!
The Allen: Raise the roof!!!
Salmmy: No, the house. Every one's doing it! We just put in a new ground floor. Get me an architect Billy Boy!
The Allen: (I'm not a freak'n home builder Salmmy!) Well, I know this guy Hessie. He's an engineer, he's never designed a house, but he designs things for my company and he works for my company (which will remain unnamed in case anyone is listening...), so he will be a puurrfect fit! I will get Hessie.
Hessie: Hello, hello, hello!
Salmmy: (who else is he saying Hello too?)
The Allen: (sshhh! He's an engineer, they're all a little screwy).
Hessie: Did you guys say something? No? Ok then. Why are we meeting in the back room of this restuarant?
The Allen: (looking sideways at Salmmy) Salmmy can't cook. You have traveled far. Eat while we tell you what to do. You work for me, you must obey.
Salmmy: I want to raise my house and put in bunk-beds!
Hessie: (to The Allen) Did he eat too much Salmon?
The Allen: (you'd think so with the name, wouldn't you? But no.).
Salmmy: I have a lot of grand kids. They can sleep in bunk-beds. I want to tinker.
Hessie: Ok. Here's the design, thanks for din-din. Tootles! (leaves.)
Salmmy: Boy. Engineers sure talk weird.
The Allen: So do jurors.
Salmmy: What?
The Allen: Um, did I say something? Anyways, do you think CAS* will like this addition?
Salmmy: Crappers. She probably wants actual rooms. And a bathroom. Women are soo damned practical. She will be in charge of everything by the way.
The Allen: Does she know that?
Salmmy: She will when she has to pay the bills. (both laugh)
Persons: So, how did the secret meeting go?
The Allen: Dude! You sooo totally just ruined EVERYTHING!
Salmmy: Its ok Billy Boy, we're still BFF's!!! Anyways, Walker's going to be checking on the house while I'm not here. Since I'm here, like, 2 days a year.
Persons: Stop calling me Walkers!! But I forgive you. I'll email you and CAS everyday!
Salmmy: (Crappers! Well, at least he won't call me so I don't actually have to TALK to him) Oh, hey Walkers -er- I mean Persons. Email me. No need to email CAS.
Persons: OK! We're the bestest buds, right?
Salmmy: (very quietly) yes. (psst. Change the subject Allen!)
(Hessie returns)
The Allen: Ooo. The GUMBO was really tasty today!
Hessie: I redesigned the plans, here you go.
Salmmy: Thanks! Send me a bill!
(crickets.)

The End.

well, thats not exactly how it happened, but you try it without notes!

*CAS is how Cathy Stevens was referred to in the emails sent to Salmmy from Persons. I never came up with a nickname for Persons, though it was rumored that his nickname was Walkin' Bob because he walked a lot. I called Bill Allen The Allen in reference to The Great Satan, because in the opening statements the defense implied that he was pretty EVIL. I affectionately referred to Cathy Stevens as The Hulk, but only after her testimony (before her testimony I referred to her as Salmmie), because she hated everything that was done to the house and all the gifts that were received (except maybe the stained glass window?) and probably wanted to smash them all. Hulk hate metal deck! Hulk smash metal deck!!! Hulk hate cigarette burned leather couch! Hulk throw out window!!! I really apologize to CAS for referring to her as the Hulk. But she can refer to me as the stoopid idiot juror if she wants. :)

9 comments:

FricknFrack said...

Thanks for your funny and interesting 'inside look'!

Got word today that my Dad (same age as Ted Stevens) probably won't live another 2 days. So your blog was a welcome respite to get my mind off things.
Truly enjoying, again my thx!

Natural Redhead said...

With the results expected of the hand-counted vote tally tomorrow, I hope you don't feel that all Alaskans are idiots. Many are. They voted for Salmmy, seven-felony-convictions Uncle Ted. You did well and I am grateful that you could complete the trial and verdict.

Please keep writing. And I think Ms. Wasilla, our notorious guv, will need a ghost writer soon. Go for it.

Anonymous said...

Wow! What a great story. I dont know if you voted for Stevens or not, but IMO he should have also been booted from the election. Its tragic that the US Constitution allows convicted felons to hold seats in Congress. There are only a few states that specifically forbid felons to run for or hold public office. That's amazing. Almost as much as 1/2 of Alaska voting for Stevens. Wow!

http://cpr-dionysus.blogspot.com/

Sterling said...

Keep 'em coming J-11!
What a fresh look at a stale politician.
Cheers!

Sterling said...

Yippee!
Looks like ol' Salmmy will not be representing Alaska from inside Club Fed!

Anonymous said...

Although I'm happy with the outcome of the trial, the juvenile tenor of your entries read like the literary equivalent of a badly-done and ill-conceived home-made tattoo.

For one thing, your incessant references to popular culture ("The Brady Bunch," "The Simpsons," etc.) make it sound as if your poor noodle were programmed by a meth-addled cable repairman.

On top of the jumbled mental toy-chest is your spelling. Sure, Ernest Hemingway couldn't spell worth a crap and still won the Nobel Prize -- but how does an alleged adult believe that "dying" is spelled "dieing?" And that's just one example.

Yes, you inhabit the body of an adult -- snack-nourished and, if you're like most Americans, likely flabby from all the television watching -- but you write at the level of a sixth-grader, breathlessly texting her buddies from the floor of a middle-school gym.

I suppose you are the sad product of our educational system -- underfunded as much as the kids are overfed; however, that explanation does not make me want you anywhere near my jury, and I will carefully obey the law with all my being to make sure I never need one.

Sterling said...

Anonymous has all the manners of a disappointed young Republican.
Isn't it interesting how nasty people can be when they hide behind "anonymous"?
Forget this snotty excuse for a commentator.
Keep it up Juror 11, don't let the whining children discourage you.

Juror 11 said...

Thanks for the compliments Sterling!

FricknFrack - I have been very lucky in my life and haven't had to deal with any close relatives in pain or dying yet, so I am happy to hopefully provide a few laughs to brighten the day.

As for Salmmy. I'm glad he can finally get some rest now.

Oh, and Anonymous #2 - Though I feel like I should offer a zippy comeback, I am happy that you took all that time to express your opinions. I felt horrible about the misspelling of dying - I had caught that same mistake (made by someone else - with a Doctorate!)not too long ago in my real job. D'oh!

he he he

Digitizdat said...

Hi, Juror 11!

I just discovered your blog about an hour ago, read it, and I'm now a fan. I hope there's more to come!

This is off-topic, but regarding Anonymous's criticism...

In paragraph 2, he/she criticizes you for using pop culture references, but then references a cable repairman with a meth addiction. Also, "were" is not the correct verb there, since your noodle is a third-person singular subject, but hey, who's keeping score, right? I mean it's just a blog.

Sterling is probably right, but more accurately he/she is certainly conservative, given his/her *incessant* use of hyphenation, like "toy-chest," and incorrect but ideological encapsulation of the question mark in "dying?".

Also, I've found that contemporary references to Hemingway as the standard for good writing are almost invariably issued by persons who have not managed to keep up with current trends in literature. It's like saying that all painters should paint like Rembrandt. So, Anonymous may actually be old, or maybe just a product of our crappy schools. That would make Anonymous the self-loathing type, which I think we could already safely assume anyway...

If you read this, Anonymous, I suggest you 1) take a chill pill, and 2) try to read some works by authors born after 1970. I'm happy for you that you have so much to discover!